I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
