She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
