my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
