I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
