I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
