I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
