i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't deserve a penis
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
