We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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