drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
