Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
