all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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