I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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