I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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