They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
