My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
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YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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