Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
