The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
