And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
