I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
