I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
