Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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