like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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