morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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