I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
