"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
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Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
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So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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