Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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