I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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