His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
