you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
