I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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