just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
