i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
