Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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