I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
