I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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