My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
