I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
