Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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