This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
