if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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