roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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