I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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