Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
