i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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