Yo dont text me then not text me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
