dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
