apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
