She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
