Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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