you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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