Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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