I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
