I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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