i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Barsexuality is the new black.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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