I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
