And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
